‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.