Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Art by Pastelkatto
🙂🐾
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.