Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I need a headline like this
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*