“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
#milo
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato