“our sushi is very fresh”
You Might Also Like
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
my mom making me talk to relatives
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea