@hanmanhanman

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

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@TheCatWhisprer

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@ianpauldukes

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@Rollmaninoz

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

@Carbosly

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.