Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.


You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.


accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening


Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.


Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.


Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.


I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.


In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it


Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.