@hanmanhanman

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

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@DaddyJew

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@mrjohndarby

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

@Gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@DairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

@danabrit

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

@BigJDubz

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

@ericamorecambe

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.