Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.