Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate