Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
pat pat
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit