@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

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@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@Hmmm_er

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@Professor_Ryan

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@TylerLinkin

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

@DairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@TEXASVETERAN

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.