Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…


She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe


the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules


Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.


The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.


1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever


Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron


Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.


Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.