Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.