I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*