Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.