Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I love snow
– People who never shovel