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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Worst perfume name ever.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.