Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.