@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

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@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@KellieMounce

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

@LizHackett

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

@cluedont

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

@patrickmarkryan

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome