Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
just leave it at the foot of the bed
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.