Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.