out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Planet of the Apps.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal