out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.