Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.