Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal