[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!