(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out