(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto


Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.


I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.


Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.


You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last


“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently



MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]


Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.


NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!