[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I can also cook 😂
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!