[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell