[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
only 11 steps left
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me