over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Autocarrot sucks!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do