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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
No regrets in 2018
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.