Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
You Might Also Like
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Lol
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.