“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Why am I like this?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh