Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”