Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?