Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Good morning!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
584.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I said we supposed to be saving our money.