Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.