@david8hughes *on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
@NicCageMatch Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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@david8hughes 
@kimtopher22 “I found my charger!!”
– a love story
@doktorj Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
@AbbyHasIssues Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
@armyVet1972 Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
@amburgklur My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
@DurtMcHurtt Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
@ArfMeasures DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
@Thuggedraccoon Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
@Aspersioncast What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?