Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
forgive me baja for i have blast
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
See..?
.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.