Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
yeah not falling for this one
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.