Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”


Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.


Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.


Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now


My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William


Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL


What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?