[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Dolls on drugs