Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Heroic Misunderstanding
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.