* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well