Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER