Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie