*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I’m awake but I object,
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.