Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Dishonest mechanic?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
This is not me but this is me
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears