I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”