Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
Me: [winks at camera]