@shawnpearlman
@chrisanna4real I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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@chrisanna4real 
@internetluke Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
@Seinfeld2000 KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
@PaperWash When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
@FrenulumBreve Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
@Prof_Hinkley [commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
@pleatedjeans [unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
@conanobrienswyf All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@ch000ch hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
@TheIronSherk What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”