@shawnpearlman
@WhitneyCummings Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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@WhitneyCummings 
@patnspankme *seductively winces due to lower back pain
@Coolisiana INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
@SortaBad I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
@UnFitz Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
@dafloydsta Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
@STRIKINGxVIKING Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
@crunchenhanced There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
@HenpeckedHal Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]