Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.