Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.