Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
iPhone X
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.