@notseriouslyamy 3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
@InternalJane overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
You Might Also Like
@notseriouslyamy 
@papasuncle ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
@Ideal_Victoria For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
@XplodingUnicorn I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
@miller_tm Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
@ArielBen6 Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
@themorris23 I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
@jonnysun on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
@CockSnake Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
@AngelaEhh My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.