@InternalJane

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

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@notseriouslyamy

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

@papasuncle

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

@Ideal_Victoria

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@jonnysun

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

@CockSnake

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.