overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Ken is short for chicken
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow