overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.


ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.


For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.


I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.


Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!


Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom


I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me


on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice


Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*


My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.