Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Mouse
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you