*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*ernest hemingway voice*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
accurate