overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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I will never stop laughing at this
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
i would wish you the best but i am the best
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.