Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
December birthdays be like…
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat