Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If snakes were wide
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
choose your gary
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score